It’s becoming increasingly important to talk about mental health challenges especially now that everyone, no matter what their situation, is struggling during this Covid-19 outbreak. It is an exceptionally hard time for us all.
There are particular issues that young people are facing. There is a huge amount of loss for them. This is partly because the normal structure of their daily routines is no longer what it was and this may make them feel cheated and angry. It is difficult to know what to do with such feelings. For a small number of teens, these feelings may exhibit worrying behaviour changes like self-isolation, self-harm, vandalism, excessive negativity, pessimism, demotivation and laziness.
So what can a parent do when they notice their child is going through a mental health breakdown?
For starters, acknowledge their distress, find a way of letting your teenager know that you are aware of their distress and that you want to help. The aim is to ensure that they do not shut down and stay open to talk to you. Try to use terms such as: “I feel for you and am here for you”. I can see this is very hard for you” or “I want to help if you feel able to let me”.
Reassurance is key. Let your teen know that whatever they say, you will not be shocked, angry or frightened by their thoughts and feelings. One of the fears that young people may struggle with is the idea that their problems will have a terrible effect on you. Find a way of letting your teen know that, however shameful or frightening their thoughts, you are strong enough to cope and will be there for them.
Another important message is to show them that you are there for them; your teen needs to know that you love them and that no matter what happens, you will do your very utmost to help. Teens need to know that you will stick with them, and you will not reject them because of the way they are feeling. If it is possible, think about things you can do together that will show them that you are there for them e.g. you can cook their favourite meal, do a chore with them.
If possible, avoid pleading, criticising, lecturing or preaching to your teen. Let them know you are not judging them or their behaviour. Your teen might feel overwhelmed so choose your actions sensitively. The only way to open up communication is to find a way into their own agenda and to show that you will be really listening to them.
What if my teen is feeling suicidal?
The possibility of suicide is the worst fear of any parent. It is incredibly hard for any parent to open up this topic. However, there are ways of showing that you won’t be shocked, and of showing that there are ways to get help if this is something the young person is struggling with. You might say something like:
“I know people who are in distress sometimes think about ending it all. If you are feeling this way, please reach out, there are people you can talk to. I am here for you, if you feel unable to talk to me, there are others who will listen and try to help you”.
This does two things. It acknowledges the distress. It also shows that you’re not scared by the distress the young person is experiencing and you are able to give them the love and support they need to get through this.
Can I ask for help?
Sure, if you have a contact within the school system who may be able to give advice, definitely reach out for support. You can also schedule a session with a mental health professional for further support.
Getting the conversation started
Finding a way to encourage your teenager to talk is something you may want to try. Though they may not be able, or not want to talk to you, if they can do so, that will be a good thing. Try to encourage them to talk at every opportunity. If the first or second attempt does not work, just make it clear that you are always going to be available to listen. Maybe you can keep the conversation general and informal, having chats when preparing dinner or watching a movie can help enormously.
You could express to them. “However hard it is, talking about your thoughts and feelings will help you.” “I know it’s difficult, but it is worth having a go”. “Putting your thoughts and feelings into words really will help you.” “You may feel ashamed, or worried about talking.” “It may be hard for you to talk to me, but perhaps we can find someone else you can talk to.”
There is no right or wrong, you may not know what to say and that is okay too. Keep in mind that you don’t have to say anything. In a difficult situation, just being there, being available to listen may be enough.
What if the talking and listening is not working
For some, talking will not be enough. Firstly, it is essential for you to be able to set boundaries in relation to behaviour that is harmful to your teen or to others in the family. If you believe these boundaries are being crossed, try to get some help. If there is an immediate risk of harm to themselves or others, please contact a mental health care professional as soon as possible.
Managing your own anxiety
One of the key challenges for parents who are at home with their teen will be to find a way of managing their own anxiety. The more anxious you are as a parent, the harder it will be for the young person to accept support. Young people worry about the effect of their distress on their parents. In most cases, they want to be able to protect their parents, no matter how troubled they are themselves. They also go through a stage when they want to keep things to themselves. This is a normal part of teenage development. Parents will be more able to provide help if they are open about managing their anxiety. It is important to think about getting support yourself if you feel you need this.
This will be good for you, and will, of course, enable you to provide more help for your teenager.
References:
https://nyulangone.org/news/checking-your-teenagers-mood-during-covid-19-pandemic
https://chicagohealthonline.com/how-covid-19-impacts-teens-mental-health/
https://www.familylives.org.uk
Written by Rosa Wambalamba (School Counselor at Nova Pioneer Boys’ High School – Tatu city)
